Tuesday, March 1, 2022

In The Event Of Nuclear War, Do Not Use Conditioner On Your Hair

Thanks to the presence of that madman Putin, the threat of North Korea and the United States engaged in a very devastating nuclear war is a current and credible prospect. Imagine being in that context and explaining that phase to people who would experience it.

Terribly, nuclear war is now on everyone’s minds for obvious reasons, and people’s interest in learning how to survive a thermonuclear exchange remains at an all-time high. We’ve already explained how to maximize your chances of survival in a more general sense, but as pointed out by NPR, we’ve left out something rather important.

In the event of a nuclear war, do not use conditioner on your hair.

Yes, we know – you’ll probably be too focused on all the death and despair and screaming friends and family to stop and think, wow, my hair has really got greasy today. We’re really talking to the well-prepared members of society here: you know, the type that have already set up their nuclear bunker and are stocking it up with supplies.

Some of the keener coiffeur cogitators may bring not just shampoo, but conditioner to their bunker. Nothing says well prepared for the post-apocalyptic world like a well-groomed tuft of hair. So why is it a bad idea to use in a radioactive wasteland?

Guam issued a series of guidelines, courtesy of the Department of Homeland Security. They make for darkly humorous reading: a large luminous mushroom cloud greets you as you click on the link, which is soon followed by some sound information.

“All nuclear devices cause deadly effects when exploded,” it says, helpfully.

Apart from telling you to be as far away from the bomb as possible, it also notes that you shouldn’t use conditioner. Apparently, this will “bind radioactive material to your hair, keeping it from rinsing out.”

This is the opposite of good. Radioactive hair is not what shampoo adverts mean when they say their product will give your hair a “healthy glow”.

Instead, it suggests that you use lots of soap and water in order to rinse out as many radioactive particles as possible. It also suggests that, if you’re caught outside when the bombs fall, you should walk around naked.

“Remove your clothing to keep radioactive material from spreading,” it explains. “Removing the outer layer of clothing can remove up to 90 percent of radioactive material.”

Blimey. Messy hair and no clothes? Make love, not war, people.

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